I have been muddling along. Interspersed with moments of sunshine, optimism, and goodwill, are times of a heaviness and brokenness I cannot describe. I long for a time when I can think about the adventures of the last year, the places I've been, the experiences I've had, the images burned forever into my mind's eye, without the physical sensation that my chest is cracking open.
I awoke this morning with the thought, Oh good, it's over, I made it, until I remembered that it wasn't over, it was tonight. "It" is a Rammstein concert just west of the city that K and I were supposed to attend with his brother and sister-in-law. I went with him to the last show, in December, and we had an amazing time. I was with K as he bought the tickets for tonight's show, was there when he surprised his brother and sister-in-law with the knowledge that he had bought them tickets too, and had been eagerly looking forward to it for months; I had acquired and organized the band's entire discography on iTunes so that I could listen to them often and get myself very familiarized with the music.
At the December show, a band I really like, Combichrist, was opening for Rammstein. Thanks to poor timing on our part, we got into the seating area of Madison Square Garden about an instant after Combichrist had left the stage. I was bitterly disappointed.
Guess who's opening for Rammstein tonight, then? And guess who's not going?
I had kind of expected K to invite me to the show tonight, regardless of what was happening between us. While I didn't pay for anything, that was, after all, my ticket. I don't know if he's just eating the cost of it or has found someone to replace me. There is no ill will between us, just pain, so why would he deny me this? It's just one more way he hurts me, whether he means to or not. Our actions always have consequences, regardless of intentions. I don't know if I would have accepted that offer from him if he had made it, but the kindness of such a gesture would have meant a great deal to me. Truly, it was the least he could do.
I guess I just need to accept the loss of this amazing experience I should have been able to have tonight, just like I have to accept every other loss that is forced upon me. I am doing my utmost not to harbor any bitterness against K over this and the many other ways he led me to believe that there was a future for us when he already knew there was not, but it is a struggle. I cried, telling him I felt I was one mistake away from him abandoning me, and he told me that was not true. I cried, physically unable to stand, from the thought of losing him, and he held me, saying I was not going to. Mere weeks before he broke up with me, he was telling realtors during our open house expeditions that the house he was buying was going to be for both of us; when asked if we were going to be married, he replied, "Working on it." Was he, by that time? I think that it was around February when our fate was sealed and I had already lost him, although I did not know it then. But surely he did, and he was buying us concert tickets and telling realtors about his plans and talking with me about what we would be doing later this year, and it was a lie. All of it was a lie. How that hurts. If only I had known what was in store, what he was hiding in his heart.
I know I sound angry, and I suppose that I am. After how close and serious our relationship had been, he couldn't even break up with me in person: it was over the phone. Despite knowing of my suicidal intentions, he did nothing to ensure my safety, nor to follow up with me in the days following to see if I was alright, preferring instead to "disappear" for a time. When informed of Mousie's passing and of the myriad other tragedies occurring in my family, his immediate response was to take issue with the admittedly awkward way I had prefaced the conversation, rather than to express sympathy and caring for all that I had been through since he'd left. It's hard not to be angry when he is the sole reason why I am in so much pain, why my life has become borderline meaningless. But I will not succumb to this anger. I don't want to and I am not going to, but it is difficult, and I don't think he realizes that. I think there are many things he does not realize.
I have begun countering any destructive emotions that arise by actively bringing to mind feelings of love, caring, sympathy, and well wishes for him -- all feelings that exist vibrantly within me still, despite what I have gone through. He is again denying me happiness with the concert tonight, but I do genuinely hope he has a wonderful time, even if I need to be in one of my sunshine spots to realize that I feel this way. I do want him to be happy; I want him to build and live a life where he feels stable, satisfied, fulfilled, and content. The degree to which I care about him has not diminished even slightly in all of the time he has been in my life. I think I will be ready soon to begin sending light to him during my daily meditations -- a task that will help heal me, as well.
Enjoy the concert for me tonight, K.
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