2010

In ten days, 2010 will draw to a close.  What a year it has been!  Developments which I could not possibly have foreseen in 2009, much less dared hope for, have come to pass.

As is natural at the end of a calendar year, I have been reflecting upon the events of 2010, and what the changes it wrought have meant to me.

At the most basic level, the passing of 2010 will push 2009 further into my past.  When I refer to the painful events of last year, I will no longer say "last year."  This in and of itself is liberating; I think I may have said "last year" more times in 2010 than I have in the rest of my life combined, in a seemingly endless circle of cross-referencing what has happened now with what happened then.

What happened then is over now, and has been for quite some time.  The life-altering events of last year -- nearly all of them revolving around my ex-boyfriend "RJ" and the dissolution of even the remnants of our friendship -- affect my life in many ways and will continue to do so for quite some time, but with every passing second, the influence of those events diminishes.  Although my path was diverted by the influence of the heartache and depression I experienced, I am forging my own path now, determining its direction independently.

If 2009 was a year of a broken heart, unending darkness, and a near-total loss of hope, 2010 was a year in which dreams were born or realized.  Through utter serendipity and probably the greatest stroke of luck I have ever been bestowed, I met a gentle, loving soul with whom I would be happy to be partnered for the rest of my days.  I also finally began planning a future in a new career; I have been unhappy, underpaid, and underutilized for five years in my current office job, and I at long last found myself ready for a change.  I found out yesterday that I was accepted into my chosen course of study at a local college, and will be pursuing a graduate degree beginning in a bit over a month.

I believe today, more than ever, in the common bit of wisdom about everything happening for a reason.  I believe now that I needed to struggle through 2009 in order to come out the other side, 2010.  I don't think I would have had the strength to initiate such a drastic change in my life at any other time, but now that I have gotten through 2009, I know that I can accomplish almost anything.  I don't think I would have had the maturity and wisdom to tend to my relationship with K as carefully as I have, but now that I have seen how terrible a bad relationship can be, I am able to truly appreciate who K is and what he means to me.

I still don't know what it was that stopped me from carrying out my suicide plans last year.  Fear of inflicting a loss on my mother and sister after we had all already experienced my father's unexpected death?  Wondering who could provide my cat, "Tabby," the same loving care as I could?  Considering the possibility that, perhaps, this too would pass?  It was probably a combination of these things.  And it is an understatement now to say that I'm glad I stuck around to see what the new year would bring.  It has brought healing, accomplishment, love, and hope for the future, things that taste all the sweeter now for how convinced I was that I would never taste them again.

There was always a glimmer of light nearby.  How wonderful that I held on to it in the darkness; how beautifully it shines now.

Namaste.