Temporariness

"This, too, shall pass."

How many times has one of us bristled upon being told this by a well-meaning companion, after we have gone through all the trouble of venting out our anger and frustration?  I know I hate to be told this; it comes across as almost condescending.  However, when tasked with giving advice to someone in some less-than-ideal situation, it's usually the first thing that pops into my head.  In one way or another, I want to tell them, you will not have to deal with this issue anymore.

I have been thinking about this advice with regards to myself lately.  And I think that it is the only thing stopping me thus far from expressing my impotent rage in any means beyond writing or complaining.  Every day, my anger at my family builds.  (The Artist excepted.)  Every day, I have no control over anything they are doing.  Every day, I do have control over how I am responding.

I have my moments.  I just finished sending a profanity-laced tirade to K a short time ago, venting about everything I could think of.  And when the going gets rough, my thoughts usually turn to extreme measures such as postponing grad school so that I can move out and never speak to them again.  Which, of course, when you boil it down, means that I would be deferring an important goal in order to escape a toxic situation.  I shouldn't have to choose between the two; circumstances should not be such that my voice is unheard within my family and my needs and very existence go unrespected.  (Again, the Artist excepted.)  But the fact is, I have lived at home for over a year now.  True, I moved home so as to leave an apartment which was across the street from RJ's apartment, and because the enormous amount of time I spent alone was starting to really mess me up, so I naturally did not expect that my relocation would be a case of "out of the frying pan, into the fire."  But I've made it this far, and the end, sort of, is in sight, perhaps within the next year or two.

This, too, shall pass, indeed.  It may take awhile, but it will.  The endless cycle of pain caused by RJ, in which I thought I was caught until the end of my days, did pass.  College, which made me utterly miserable and seemed interminable, did pass.  My heartbreak over losing my best friend in high school due to a falling out, did pass.  My heartbreak over my ex-boyfriend, "the Firefighter," breaking up with me, did pass.  Every horrid thing which I have experienced in my life has passed thus far, or will do so eventually.

It is this knowledge which I must keep in mind as I head home from work tonight, and this knowledge which I must remind myself of as often as is necessary in the year ahead, for I think that will be my greatest challenge heading into 2011: learning to accept how very many things I cannot change, and ceasing my lifelong struggle against them.  Everything will pass, over time -- I will appreciate and remember the good, and let go of the bad.

Wishing everyone a very healthy and happy new year.  Namaste.