Beginnings

I originally registered this blog many months ago because I wished to chronicle my recovery from 2009, which was, to date, the most difficult year of my life.  My existence was measured in minutes or hours for a time, as I struggled to overcome the immense emotional pain of bad memories, or the fear I felt when facing down the bleak hopelessness I believed my future would contain.

To say that I am "all better now" would be far too simplistic, but I am, in fact, light-years ahead of where I was.  And so my plans for what this blog could be have shifted.  Most days are just days to me now, instead of fights for survival.  I constantly endeavor to introduce small but significant and cumulative changes into my life, in order to make it better, in order to make me a better person.  There are countless facets to this process, which I plan to discuss as I go along.  For the time being, for this beginning, I will focus on two pieces: my burgeoning meditation practice, and a gratitude journal.

 The first part will not be particularly earth-shattering to most, especially more seasoned practitioners.  I have been meditating off and on for years but only recently have made a stronger commitment to it.  In the difficult but imperative work of emotional healing I have done over the past year, meditation was a vital aspect.  I saw firsthand the incredible powers it can grant.  It's hard to keep up with at times -- I live in a house with five other people and four animals, making the quiet I need for concentration quite scarce -- but each day, each moment, is an opportunity to try again.  I believe that, in chronicling my efforts, it will provide me motivation to continue.

As for gratitude, what better time to begin such a project than the day before Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday?  I think the world would be a better place if more people expressed gratitude for the blessings they have.  (Expressing appreciation unsurprisingly has been shown to produce numerous health benefits!)  A sense of entitlement, or taking anyone or anything for granted, is poisonous.  This will be an excellent means by which I may keep myself grounded: for all of the things I have been through, I still have so much to be thankful for.  For all of the difficulties I still face, my life is filled with light.

The title and subheading of this blog are among my favorite lines ever written.  They come from the song "Perpetual" by VNV Nation, an EBM/futurepop band that is well-known within the scene for their hauntingly beautiful lyrics and uplifting messages.  Their music has been incredibly inspirational to me and many others.  It is my hope that this blog, though it will probably always have an extremely tiny to non-existent audience, can function in a similar way.  I discovered, in my darkest moments, that sources of light can come from nearly anywhere.

Today I am grateful for my sister, "the Artist," who held my torch aloft for awhile when I was unable to do so myself, and my boyfriend, K, who has done more than any single person I know to restore my faith in humanity.