Sharing

It was a weekend of roller coaster emotions, many tears and still more words, and a great deal of thought about my relationship with my boyfriend.  I have had four relationships prior to this one with K as well as emotional involvements with a couple of others; my dating life now spans ten years.  Each time K and I encounter a snag in this yarn we are so carefully spinning together, one part of me always sits back and silently observes my behavior and reactions to whatever situation is causing me anger, or sadness, or frustration.

None of this is easy, of course, but in light of the things I have been through in other relationships, particularly my last one, I find I am coping very well with things now.  I am proud of the great strides I've made in responding to difficulties proportionally, fighting fairly, expressing myself honestly, and, most of all, not missing the forest for the trees.  It's so easy to get caught up in those individual trees, and the overall message of the relationship -- that you love and respect each other -- is lost.

It was with that in mind that I sat down on my horse pillow last night to meditate before going to sleep.  I had a great many things from the past week and the troubles K and I had encountered along the way to which I needed to give some thought, and that did and will require some effort on my part.  But for my meditation practice last night, I returned to the fundamental truth that is always there, no matter how angry or hurt I am: I love this man.  Last night, that is all that mattered.  The sifting and sorting will come when the time is right.

I sat in a cross-legged position as usual, the backs of my hands resting on my knees, each thumb and forefinger pressed together.  I took a few breaths, then began to imagine beautiful golden light coming through my nose and settling around my heart with each inhalation.  My heart was glowing and radiant.  I then imagined K across from me and seated next to my bed as he usually is when he joins me in meditation.  Each exhalation sent a stream of light from my heart to his, bonding us as I gave of myself for this soul who means so much.  As his heart accepted the light from my own, a warm illumination surrounded him, caressing and healing and nourishing him.

For the first minute or two, these images were difficult to sustain, and my mind wandered.  But then it was suddenly easy, and my concentration levels spiked.  I could literally feel a lightness and energy in the left side of my chest: a true testimony to the power of the mind.  When the tiny bell from my phone's meditation app chimed, it actually startled me, for once, so absorbed had I been.  I breathed normally for a short time, transitioning myself back to the world, and it almost seemed like a surprise when I opened my eyes and saw that K was not, in fact, seated across from me.

I hope to try this meditation again when he is in the room with me, meditating also.  I believe that these images will be easier to conjure, and more powerful for his proximity.

Today I am grateful for the two new pairs of glasses I now have, both because I am fortunate enough to be able to afford them, and because they enable me to experience almost-perfect sight, something I have no chance of accomplishing now on my own.  For however terrible my eyes' deficiencies are (and there are many), at least mine are largely correctable.  Other people do not have this luxury.
There is much more besides for which to be grateful, of course, but I simply do not have the time to list everything!  I think it would also get repetitive.  I'll just do my best, here, and focus on what seems to be particularly relevant on any given day.

Namaste.