Retreat

The past couple of days have been of the variety that test the project I have set out before myself, the project that is reflected by this blog.  I find that I am harboring an absolutely enormous amount of fury at most of my family members, and things with K took a turn for the worse last night, as well.  I continue to be hurt by his words and behaviors, and preventing that hurt from being translated into the anger I usually wear as a suit of armor to hide my vulnerabilities has been a tremendous challenge.  I'm still not sure I'm being terribly successful at it.  I did try, though; last night, after not speaking to him for several hours, I called to wish him good night and tell him that I loved him, even though I was still very angry and upset with him.  I decided I wanted a few days apart from him and told him this.

It hasn't been easy, at all.  My first impulse is always, always, to say something, anything.  But the more I think about the situation with him, the more I realize that I still am not at a place of tranquility regarding what's happened, and if I spoke to him now, I would likely lash out in anger and say things I would regret.  No, I think I need this time away from him to retreat into myself and think about things, and hopefully allow the knowledge of who he is and what he means to me to steep in my heart, strengthening it and enabling it to resist the hurt feelings that currently reign.

I'm going to try some gentle yoga tonight and any moment this week I have a chance, and my aim is for my meditations to bring me a measure of peace that is absent amid the chaos.  Chaos is how my brain felt last night as I attempted to meditate.  I did not fully define my intention beforehand, which did not help matters, and I was so frustrated, angry, and upset that focusing my attention even temporarily was quite difficult.  That span of six minutes, though, is what enabled me to see clearly long enough to decide to call K and tell him I loved him, even in the midst of this miniature tempest.  So it did accomplish something, disordered though it felt.

My goal for tonight's meditation is to further lift the clouds, even if only slightly, and to provide the nurturing, caring, and acceptance I crave that I currently am not receiving from other people.  I can't rely on everyone else, after all; the buck stops here.  I will need to do some thinking between now and bedtime to decide how best to achieve my aims.

It's tough to think of things like gratitude when I am so upset, but I am never without blessings, and so today I am grateful for the wisdom I have attained over the years, from myself, from others, from hard-won lessons, that have allowed me to grow and develop as a person.  For however much I sometimes handle things poorly now, ten years ago, things would have been so much worse.  Additionally, I now have the insight that I lacked in times past to observe, (usually) clear-eyed, my behaviors, their patterns, and what those patterns might mean.  Awareness of the ruts I continually fall into is the first step in my addressing and overcoming them.

Namaste.